Hi, my name is Kelsey and I have my hands full.

Given our family’s recent relocation to California, I have been playing the role of stay-at-home momma to my three kids. I haven’t been able to obtain or even apply for a nursing job until I had an active nursing license in the state of California which I found to be a long and tedious process. But in return, I get the chance to spend the interim days at home creating adventures with my three young children. 

This is the point in my story where I hand gold stars to all the stay-at-home mothers in the world. You are all amazing. So many of you do this your entire life and I have the upmost respect for each and every one of you. While I appreciate that the life of a working parent is challenging, I have found for myself that staying at home with children comes with its own set of obstacles. Simply put, it is hard work. Whether you have one kid or 10 kids, you are all superheros. You have the patience and grace of an angel and I bow to you. 

I tried my best to create excitement and adventure for my children every day. With three under the age of five, every time we left the house came with challenges: diaper bags, potty breaks, snack breaks, water bottles, stroller lifting, car seat straps, navigation. It was an endless list of seemingly simple tasks that, when combined multiple times per day, endless days in a week, created countless headaches and stress. Regardless of the struggles a day out entailed, it could never compare to the chaos that occurred in my home when the children were confined to our house for more than four hours at a time. For all of our sanity, we needed to get out of the house every single day. 

Through all of this, I tried to appear as graceful and put together as possible. While in my mind I may be screaming “don’t touch that”, “just pee already”, and “no, you can’t have another damn fruit snack!”, I didn’t want my frustration to show to others, including my children. It wasn’t their fault that I was frustrated. They shouldn’t have to worry about the adult-stressors of a simple trip to the park. I tried my best to maintain my cool. Then came the loud observations…

“Wow, you have your hands full.” “Goodness, that’s a lot of kids you have there.” “You sure are a busy lady!” I don’t understand these comments. Are these compliments? Are they insults? Are they mindless statements seeping out due to your loss of filter from your brain to your mouth? I don’t understand them. They often happen in the grocery store or other public spaces. It’s often when I’m pushing our double stroller or have a baby strapped to my chest. No matter the situation, I find a way to smile and nod. Although it may be an exhausted, defeated smile, I smile, nonetheless. Do I say thank you? Do I ask for clarification? Do I respond with something witty and veer towards the organic banana stand? Do these people not realize that I know that I have a lot going on? Do they truly not know that I am praying that my kids don’t touch all the cookies in the aisle? Do they recognize that I hope can successfully make it through the store in less than 10 minutes before Liam starts to scream from his car seat? My mind is constantly running in these situations, less focused on my grocery list, and more focused on our ability to be graceful in public. 

To set the record straight, I’d like to think that my children are fairly well behaved. My oldest two, while only 5 and 2, can understand the mother death stare and immediately alter their behavior in any given situation. They’ve been trained well. But really, kids aren’t meant to walk up and down every aisle in the grocery store, hands at their sides. They’re not meant to remain at a state of whispered voices for an hour in your library. Kids are kids, and while I don’t tolerate bad behavior, I want to ensure that my children get to act like children. We, including myself, expect too much of these small humans. This is something that I need to continuously remind myself every minute of the day. 

We all need to find a way to better support this vulnerable breed of single parents. It can start with the way we communicate with them. For future reference, if you are going to comment to any parent with children in a public place, don’t comment on the chaos, recognize the strength. Celebrate the fact that this mother is venturing out with three kids to get applesauce. Recognize that this father is doing everything possible to keep his 2-year-old tame during story time. Suggestions for comments include: “Wow, your children are so well-behaved.” “Your family is adorable.” “Wow, you are doing an amazing job today. Nice job.” These may seem simple but I promise you, they are game-changers. Your recognition for a mother’s super powers instead of calling out the obvious chaos will change her attitude completely, positively affecting her day and her kids’. Find a more creative way to acknowledge the crazy.